In Defense of the Wine Snob
or why is wine so complicated?
It’s Time To Re-Mystify Wine
If you asked me in January, I would have told you wine was confusing on purpose. I would have happily and confidently explained that this overpriced grape juice was being gatekept from us by a bunch of hedge fund bastards, laughing at us from their yacht balconies, where they swirled their glasses and haughtily repeated the word "mouthfeel" over and over again.
Then something happened. I actually talked to wine people. For my wine tasting Twitch show, I've chatted with sommeliers, and wine investors, and wine influencers, and wine shop owners, and winemakers, and I am very sad to admit that all of them were incredibly sweet. Every single one of them was not only kind, but also genuinely very excited to teach me about wine. When one of my guests asked a good question, their eyes would light up (in the same way mine do when I meet someone else who still plays Pokemon Go), excited to share their greatest passion with someone interested. And for every moment I felt insecure about my wine ignorance, I noticed just as many moments where these oenophiles (kill me) were themselves insecure; terrified they'd seem too elitist or too square. Because the truth is, in most parts of society, wine is deeply uncool. Showing up to a rager with a nice bottle of Barolo is like showing up to a monster truck rally with a copy of The Corrections. It’s a lame thing to do!
So while it is true that wine snobs do exist, most of the wine community itself is actually overwhelmingly welcoming. And that's when I came to realize wine is not confusing because of gatekeeping. Wine is confusing because… it's fucking confusing.
In order to understand just one bottle, experts will need to understand a lot of specifics about that wine. For instance, they'll want to know the grape type (or varietal), the type of soil it was planted in, the weather in that location the year it was grown, the container they used to ferment the wine, whether they used fish bladders to filter the wine (for real!), and the list goes on and on.
Then it gets even more confusing for us novices, because the words on wine labels vary drastically depending on where the wine is made. California wines will usually label their bottles based on the type of grape (i.e. Chardonnay). French wines will label their bottles based on the region in which the grape type was grown (i.e. White Burgundy is made almost exclusively from Chardonnay grapes, but grown in Burgundy aka Bourgogne, and so the bottle is labeled Bourgogne Blanc). Same wine, two different names. It's almost impossible to wrap your brain around at first.
And this open fire hydrant of information has led to lots of well-meaning people to declare a new mission in the modern era of wine. That all of us wine-heads must come together to "demystify wine." It's something said by every wine writer or start up or influencer at literally all times. They yell “demystify wine!!!” and get thousands of instagram likes in the the same way the Krassenstein Brothers would tweet “It’s Mueller Time!” and somehow get people to donate money to their patreon. I do think these Wine Demystifiers, unlike the Krassensteins, come from a good place. They want wine to be simple and clear and perfect in every situation. But I hate the people who say this phrase. It's not really fair for me to hate them but I do. And here's why.
For most of the people who follow those writers and influencers, wine is already incredibly accessible. Drew Barrymore has a wine label. So does Dave Matthews. At most every gift shop in America you can buy an apron that says “It’s Wine O’clock Somewhere” or a coaster that says “But First, Wine.” The very girlboss and very sexist meme account Women Who Love Wine has over 500,000 followers. Wine is currently uncool not because it's elitist, but because it is perceived as too basic. The current cultural stigma of wine is that it is the basically Karen of beverages. There's a reason they don't sell novelty t-shirts that say "It's Martini O'Clock Somewhere." (I know the pun doesn’t work but NEITHER DOES WINE O'CLOCK!!!) So when I see the phrase "we want to demystify wine" what I actually read is "we want to keep wine basic."
While these accounts are pretty harmless (and dare I say charming), I’d still say argue that this desire to make wine simple is actually what keeps people from drinking the stuff. At least for me, when I would chose to drink a cocktail over wine, it was not just because of I was insecure about my wine ignorance. I also would rather be seen as someone who drinks cocktails than someone who drinks wine. Currently, the cocktail drinker or beer drinker or even arguably the hard seltzer drinker has a cooler brand than the wine drinker. My feeling is, if you truly wanted to make wine for everyone and not just the Wine Karens who dominate the beverage’s brand, I think it’s time to lean into what makes wine unique. I think we need to re-mystify the fucking stuff.
Like I said earlier, each bottle of wine is confusing (or, in another word, mystifying) for its own unique reasons. We should be reminding the general public that wine is a weird, complex, one of a kind drink that has spanned centuries and has never tasted the same twice. The same grape, grown at the exact same place, will vary dramatically in taste based on what the weather was like for a few weeks that year. I think that's cool. And sure you’ll learn more as you drink more, but you will never, ever get close to knowing everything. And I honestly, I think people would respond to that complexity more than a marketing lie that wine is easy.
I'm not saying we should be pretentious about a beverage. I’m just saying we shouldn’t be hiding its greatest strength. Wine has become exciting for me because it’s complex and confusing, and yes, even a little snotty. I like to drink wine BECAUSE it is mystifying, not in spite of it. And I think most other people would too.
Sincerely,
The Person On Earth Who Knows The Most About Wine aka Travis
P.S. There used to be a whole four paragraph tangent in this where after I re-read it, I realized I was proudly defending cyber-bullies. So just know, I already came very close to getting canceled from this newsletter. If you want to see me get canceled in real time, be sure to subscribe!
Wine Idiot Tip Of The Week: HOW TO HOLD YOUR GLASS
I learned this from Miriam Yoo, owner of the best liquor store in LA: Flask and Field.
FIRST RULE: Hold your glass by the stem. That's what it's there for. It stops you from warming up the wine and smudging the fancy glassware. Some very classy people hold from the base, but personally I think that makes you seem like a serial killer.
SECOND RULE: If you ever correct someone for holding their glass incorrectly, you are a bad person. You should be punched.
What I Drank This Week
The more MHLs or Miller High Lifes the wine scores, the more I like it. It’s scientific.
LAND OF SAINTS - Pinot Noir - Central Coast, CA
Enjoyed over dinner at Hippo. Light, with an almost lemony citrus and some raspberry. Dry. Worked well with every course. Very easy to drink.
RATING: 3 MHL
OREADS - Black Muscat Natural Rose - Tyrnavos, Greece
Drank a glass of this at Holcomb Highland Park and I think it's maybe my least favorite wine I've ever had. Vegetal and not in a cool way. Like drinking the leftover lemongrass juice that's been poured over raw chicken at Gingergrass.
RATING: -4 MHL
LUBANZI - Shiraz-Dominate Red Blend - South Africa
Enjoyed this with the co-owner of Lubanzi Wines Charlie Brain on the This Is Wine stream yesterday. We talked about about the origin story for the brand, the dog on the label, and the difference between Syrah and Shiraz (there isn’t any)! You can watch here.
This was my first canned wine, and I’m sorry to admit that I liked it much more once I poured it into a glass and let it breathe. I’m already a piece of shit. It was dark but still relatively light-bodied. Tart and a little bit of cherry. The can is half a bottle so watch out before you drink the whole thing alone.
RATING: 1.75 MHL
A SAD DESPERATE PLEA FROM AN ADULT MAN
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